Confessions of a Pastor's Wife: I am not alone

Last night I had the privilege of being in a Kari Jobe concert. There were thousands of ladies screaming around me and I was soaking in the moment. I had brought 18 ministry leaders from my church with me as well and they sat in the 2 rows behind me. I handed out the tickets randomly so it is funny how it turned out. 

 

Kari Jobe started singing a song during her concert that I have heard many times before, "I am not alone." I really like that song and heard it on the radio before, but it was so very different live. There was a strong presence of God in the place and immediately tears started streaming down my face  and I really was surprised by my own reaction. I closed my eyes and put my hands in the "receiving pose" (cupped upwards) as I heard God speak to me, "Jonna, you are not alone. You just feel that way. Those ladies behind you love you and pray for you everyday. They literally have your back. I am wanting to replace your fear of failure in relationships with courage. Take it and put it on. wear it and model it" I truly believe that years of distrust and self-preservation began to peel away. Every tear had a purpose. It was a true God moment. 

Now I have no idea this morning how I am going to model or wear courage but I feel that God gave me the word "valor" to study so I am sure I will have more to share on that later. (yes...God speaks to me in one word sometimes; especially when I pray for people...he will give me just one word.)

As a pastor's wife you are surrounded by many but you can choose to feel like you don't have anyone to really be true friends with. It is a harrowing and sticky mess to mix friendship with ministry. Over the years it has brought much hardship and hurt to my life. It has left me wanting to hide or not ever wanting to endear or expose my heart with another. I tend to wonder what people's motives are when they want to help me or do nice things for me. And that is a crying shame!

In the past when a friend, groups of people or leaders didn't agree with the pastors stance or how he did something; those "friends" and confidants left our lives and ministry and didn't talk with us about the details of their angst; but regrettably we're quite expressive on matters when talking to everyone else. Those conversations once relayed back were disappointing and very hurtful causing layers or distrust and driving me into a man-made cave of safety. I was left feeling rejected but having to wear a fake smile and of course the pageant queen hand wave as a show of strength and resilience. :)

Now understand this...God has given me a heart of forgiveness and somehow and someway I have forgiven people over the years and can truly say that I love them and God puts them on my heart to pray for them. Not that I have "arrived" on this issue but I have been able to clear my life of any bitterness or resentment involving hurts. Unforgiveness is not the issue...God is wanting me to grow MORE from this and like anyone else...He always calls us out to mature, to grow branches so that we can be more fruitful. And like any fruit tree..it always involves pruning!

I have never been one to dwell on the negatives and I am not known to be a good fake. God made me expressive and everything I feel shows on my face even when I try hard not to! It often times gets me in trouble! I have always shown my weaknesses and shared my failures. But I haven't been good at sharing my personal heart issues with others due to fear. Fear of rejection or fear of failure. Pastor Brent Williams spoke about fear during Spiritual Emphasis week and during that service something shifted in me. It is something that God had been dealing with me about but that I kept pushing to the back of my thought life. I will just "deal" with that later I thought. When God wants to get our attention He will for a season and when we ignore His promptings He will let it go. Sometimes we have to learn the "hard" way or through a different route. I am glad that God didn't give up on my stubborness! Arent' you?

It is truly an honor to sit in the seat that God has entrusted me with. It is truly a blessing to work with Don at Mercy Gate Church and with all the wonderful people. People may look at us and think we have it "all together"...well I am here to tell you that NOBODY has it all together on this Earth. God is always stretching us and wanting us to grow and most of the times our character has to show in order for us to realize that we need to change something about ourselves. There are always new challenges we need to conquer and learn from. If not we will never mature in our thinking and in our actions. Pride is the enemy to growth and humility is the vessel for maturity.

Last night I felt like He challenged me to a new level. It is time to trust again and in a different way that I have before. I feel like he has given me a mega-dose of courage. It is past time to open myself and not be afraid of betrayal or rejection. God is with me and He has given me a literal army of amazing ladies that love me for who I am and I actually love them too! Ha ha (no joke!). We will go the next level together and tackle whatever God places in our hearts to do...It is His purpose and plan for our lives. If the leaders do not go there then the people will not and God has given me the word victor to study out and process...more of that to come.

I encourage you to step out and trust; be willing to be transparent with others. Will it put you "out there" to get hurt? Most definitely. But doing what God called you to do and being obedient in that is all He wants. He will be your defender and will fight for you. He created us to be in relationship with Him but also with others. We do this life WITH people as well as in eternity. Trust HIM, abide in HIM keeping your focus on HIM and know that whatever you do and wherever you go...YOU are not and will never be alone. 

32 “A time is coming and in fact has come when you will be scattered,each to your own home. You will leave me all alone. Yet I am not alone, for my Father is with me.
33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”  John 16:32-33 (NIV)

Click on this link to hear Kari Jobe sing "I am not Alone" for yourself :)
http://youtu.be/bfveawSAHJA



 

Adjust your crown!

Jonna

*ThIs blog is written by Jonna Gibson for "Invisible Crown". You can follow it at Jonna-invisiblecrown.blogspot.com

WHY?

Ever thought you were stuck in a situation that was beyond your control...and you felt like you were going to die....yet you survived? Well nothing takes the cake like the man whose pickup as well as himself got squished between two 18 wheelers in Oregon this week:

Kaleb Whitby, 27, stares out calmly from the mangled wreckage of his Chevy Silverado after the two semi-trucks smashed into each other on the I-84 in Oregon - with him in the middle. Despite his precarious position wedged between the two metal trailers, and with a steering column tight against his leg, Whitby emerged from the deathtrap almost entirely unscathed.
(Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2915575/Pictured-Man-SURVIVED-crushed-two-big-rigs-84.html#ixzz3PJPRv2QK) Kaleb states, "Thank God that I am still alive. Now I have got to go figure our why."

What an incredible story of luck some might say. The odds of something like this happening is one in a million! Now I do not know anything about the actual life story of this man but what I do know is that He will be forever affected by this. I LOVE what he said..."Now I have got to figure out why". Why is it that I am alive and others died?...why was my life spared and what am I here to do?

We all have times in our lives when we find ourselves in a tangled mess that we created and wonder why. It is one of the words that inquiring and curious children ask adults and one of the most uttered words that adults use pertaining to tragedies and situations in our lives. This is a critical skill that helps toddlers and children gain a much more complex understanding of how the world works. When they ask, “why?” they are showing a thirst for knowledge. They want more information!

Now I will not pretend to know the answers to his questions but what I do know that there is a great big God out there that loves us and wants us to succeed. He wants us happy and healthy and living life to the fullest! I pray that you do not have to go through a tragedy to get your attention on things above. I pray that when things are great and you are the happiest you have ever been...that you look up and ask God the questions that he longs for his children to ask...."What do you want me to do God?" Because maturity shifts from the "why's" to the "what's" and God will be faithful to answer you by supplying the "how's".


Jonna